My Parents and the divorce

I can already tell that this is going to be difficult to write. I feel like I need to, i've been holding onto it for too long. It was the main topic in therapy...my parents.

My parents got divorced when I was 9. It was one of the hardest thing i've ever been through, the most painful. I had my Daddy all the time, lots of love. One day he wasn't coming home from work. I'll never forget laying in bed at night listening to my Mom crying. I was 9 and it was hurt so fucking bad. I've held that in my heart, hearing that. Pure pain. I was still too young to really understand what was going on. My Dad basically found someone else. Being that young, I just saw it as him leaving me. I didn't know why. That was the first time in my life I remember my heart breaking.

I don't remember alot about that time. I think maybe i've blocked it out because it WAS so painful. My Dad moved into a Condo with another woman and her 2 kids. I thought my Dad picked them over us. I had lost my Daddy, the one who gave me all of the affection in my life. I remember sitting on a bean bag chair watching t.v. with him eating a pudding pop. At that moment, I realized it was real. He really never was coming back to live with us. I didn't like my Step-mom for a long time. I thought she stole my Dad away. Nobody ever sat me down and told me what was going on. My Dad already had another family...why would he want me?

My Dad leaving meant that my Mom was a single mom. My brother is handicapped, which means alot of extra care. We were poor. I'm talking food stamp poor. I always had what I needed, but didn't often get what I wanted. My Mom did everything she had to do to support us. I also had to look after my brother during all of this. I had to step up and be the big sister, shit, the Mom sometimes. This is when I lost my childhood. My brother came first.

My Mom went back to school so she could better herself. It was quite awhile until I really understood what happened with my parents. It still didn't take the pain away, it's never left. I think it's the reason why I am like I am today. Anxiety..Depression.

My Mom lost her Mom when she was 11, as i've said before. She didn't learn affection and how to show love. It's hard never hearing "I love you" from your Mom. Never getting a hug. Thinking something was wrong because my Mom didn't want me. That has in turn made me have awkward relationships with females. I don't have alot of female friends. The ones I do have are just like me. To this day shes never been affectionate. I needed to be nurtured by my mother. I needed to know I was loved.

My Dad grew up with 3 sisters, so I think it kind of rubbed off on him. He is the most awesome person in my life. He's always there for me, very affectionate, very caring. I don't know what kind of person I would be if he wasn't in my life. I do know how to show love, because of him. I can let myself be loved. I know I mean something to somebody. He will randomly send me a text to tell me he loves me. Now you see when I told you my parents are like opposites.

My Dad always tells me he should have gotten custody of us. I can't imagine how different my life would have been if I grew up in that house. I don't think my Mom would have let him get full custody. He wanted it. I believe theres a reason for everything. It just wasn't meant to be. He fought hard for us, always paid child support. We saw him every weekend. He was always there.

This new Blue October song has drug up some of the past. I know how Justins daughter feels. I wish I could tell him that. Someone knows how she feels. As long as he fights for his daughter, she will forever love him.

I sit here bawling my eyes out, but I needed it. It's easier to talk to all of you, because you understand. You don't judge me. Thanks for listening. My heart is a little lighter today. #bluefamily

xoxo,
Meg