I can already tell that this is going to be difficult to write. I feel like I need to, i've been holding onto it for too long. It was the main topic in therapy...my parents.
My parents got divorced when I was 9. It was one of the hardest thing i've ever been through, the most painful. I had my Daddy all the time, lots of love. One day he wasn't coming home from work. I'll never forget laying in bed at night listening to my Mom crying. I was 9 and it was hurt so fucking bad. I've held that in my heart, hearing that. Pure pain. I was still too young to really understand what was going on. My Dad basically found someone else. Being that young, I just saw it as him leaving me. I didn't know why. That was the first time in my life I remember my heart breaking.
I don't remember alot about that time. I think maybe i've blocked it out because it WAS so painful. My Dad moved into a Condo with another woman and her 2 kids. I thought my Dad picked them over us. I had lost my Daddy, the one who gave me all of the affection in my life. I remember sitting on a bean bag chair watching t.v. with him eating a pudding pop. At that moment, I realized it was real. He really never was coming back to live with us. I didn't like my Step-mom for a long time. I thought she stole my Dad away. Nobody ever sat me down and told me what was going on. My Dad already had another family...why would he want me?
My Dad leaving meant that my Mom was a single mom. My brother is handicapped, which means alot of extra care. We were poor. I'm talking food stamp poor. I always had what I needed, but didn't often get what I wanted. My Mom did everything she had to do to support us. I also had to look after my brother during all of this. I had to step up and be the big sister, shit, the Mom sometimes. This is when I lost my childhood. My brother came first.
My Mom went back to school so she could better herself. It was quite awhile until I really understood what happened with my parents. It still didn't take the pain away, it's never left. I think it's the reason why I am like I am today. Anxiety..Depression.
My Mom lost her Mom when she was 11, as i've said before. She didn't learn affection and how to show love. It's hard never hearing "I love you" from your Mom. Never getting a hug. Thinking something was wrong because my Mom didn't want me. That has in turn made me have awkward relationships with females. I don't have alot of female friends. The ones I do have are just like me. To this day shes never been affectionate. I needed to be nurtured by my mother. I needed to know I was loved.
My Dad grew up with 3 sisters, so I think it kind of rubbed off on him. He is the most awesome person in my life. He's always there for me, very affectionate, very caring. I don't know what kind of person I would be if he wasn't in my life. I do know how to show love, because of him. I can let myself be loved. I know I mean something to somebody. He will randomly send me a text to tell me he loves me. Now you see when I told you my parents are like opposites.
My Dad always tells me he should have gotten custody of us. I can't imagine how different my life would have been if I grew up in that house. I don't think my Mom would have let him get full custody. He wanted it. I believe theres a reason for everything. It just wasn't meant to be. He fought hard for us, always paid child support. We saw him every weekend. He was always there.
This new Blue October song has drug up some of the past. I know how Justins daughter feels. I wish I could tell him that. Someone knows how she feels. As long as he fights for his daughter, she will forever love him.
I sit here bawling my eyes out, but I needed it. It's easier to talk to all of you, because you understand. You don't judge me. Thanks for listening. My heart is a little lighter today. #bluefamily
xoxo,
Meg
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Monday, August 8, 2011
Feelings
I don't know about you guys, but i'm a VERY sensitive person. My feelings get hurt easily, even though I try to not let them. I don't know if it has something to do with my anxiety and depression, but it happens. I hate confrontations. I hate fighting. I'll walk away if I have to.
I also usually pick up on whatever mood somebody else is in. If everyone is happy, i'm super happy. If everyone is sad, i'm sad with them. Something I really hate it. I hate to be around negative people. I think I somehow think if I feel the same as them, i'll be able to fix it.
I cry easily, but usually in private. I'll hold the hurt with me for a few days even though I know I need to let it go. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and sometimes that's not a great thing. I do love with everything I have though. If I love you, you'll know it. I didn't get alot of love growing up but somehow I know how to give it. I'm lucky. I never had the nurturing mother, the closeness.
My Dad was always loving, and we are very close, but being a female, I needed my Mom. I can't blame her though, she lost her Mom when she was 11. Sometimes i'm awkward having relationships with females, even my friends. I find it easier to have male friends.
I'm still somewhat shy, but my medication has made it a little better. I'm not scared of the world now lol People would think I was snotty because I sat in the corner not talking to anyone and not making eye contact. I'm the complete opposite! I just wish I knew how to have better relationships with females.
When I was in therapy we worked alot on this, but stupidly I dropped out. It's hard to bring those things up and have to talk about them all over again. I hope to start therapy again soon, so I don't have to live like this forever.
xoxo
Meg
I also usually pick up on whatever mood somebody else is in. If everyone is happy, i'm super happy. If everyone is sad, i'm sad with them. Something I really hate it. I hate to be around negative people. I think I somehow think if I feel the same as them, i'll be able to fix it.
I cry easily, but usually in private. I'll hold the hurt with me for a few days even though I know I need to let it go. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and sometimes that's not a great thing. I do love with everything I have though. If I love you, you'll know it. I didn't get alot of love growing up but somehow I know how to give it. I'm lucky. I never had the nurturing mother, the closeness.
My Dad was always loving, and we are very close, but being a female, I needed my Mom. I can't blame her though, she lost her Mom when she was 11. Sometimes i'm awkward having relationships with females, even my friends. I find it easier to have male friends.
I'm still somewhat shy, but my medication has made it a little better. I'm not scared of the world now lol People would think I was snotty because I sat in the corner not talking to anyone and not making eye contact. I'm the complete opposite! I just wish I knew how to have better relationships with females.
When I was in therapy we worked alot on this, but stupidly I dropped out. It's hard to bring those things up and have to talk about them all over again. I hope to start therapy again soon, so I don't have to live like this forever.
xoxo
Meg
Friday, August 5, 2011
Happiness
These are some of the things that make me happy:
-Sunshine
-The Beach
-Boston Red Sox
-Reading
-Music, lots of music
-Cool Autumn air
-Romance
-Delicious beer
-BBQ food
-My friends
-My blue family
-Cookouts
-Fires at night
-New friends
-Cuddling
-Laying on a hammock
-Kissing
-Shopping
-Road trips
-Weekends in Boston
-Concerts
-Spending time with my nephew and niece
-Making someone else happy
What are a few things that make YOU happy?
xoxo,
Meg
-Sunshine
-The Beach
-Boston Red Sox
-Reading
-Music, lots of music
-Cool Autumn air
-Romance
-Delicious beer
-BBQ food
-My friends
-My blue family
-Cookouts
-Fires at night
-New friends
-Cuddling
-Laying on a hammock
-Kissing
-Shopping
-Road trips
-Weekends in Boston
-Concerts
-Spending time with my nephew and niece
-Making someone else happy
What are a few things that make YOU happy?
xoxo,
Meg
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Mental Health
I grew up being what I thought was "shy". I actually had really bad anxiety and it got worse the older I got. I'll never forget the one moment in my life when I said to myself " something isn't normal". I was too scared to tell anyone what I was feeling for fear of them not believing me. I lived like this for years, and years, and years. One day my doctor asked me if everything was ok, if I was feeling ok. I ended up telling her how I felt, and we discussed medication and therapy. My Mom is against taking any kind of medication, but you know what, i'm an adult now. I had no idea my Dad suffered with being bi-polar. He had been put on medication a few years before that and was getting good results. The more I talked to him, the more I realized that we were so alike. It was amazing to have someone who really understands you and has started the journey already. They can tell you what to expect and what not to expect. I remember one thing he said to me "I waited until I was 50 to get help, please get help now." I agreed to start a medication called Lexapro. My first anti-depressant. It was amazing when it kicked in because each day I would wake up and the sun would be a little brighter, and having more hope. It was amazing but terrifying at the same time. I was worried the meds would turn me into something i'm not. I know that is the number one problem most people face with going on medication. If you find the right one, you will be you, only better. I was on Lexapro a few years, gained some weight, and it wasn't working so great anymore. I switched to Prozac, and I swear, my anxiety is pretty much gone, and i'm hardly ever depressed. I love life now and I see the beauty in things, in people. I started getting interested in my hobbies again. Reading, writing, music, sports.
I wish everyone could get the results that i've gotten with an anti-depressant. Going on the pill was a bitch, side effects and all of that, but it was worth it. I'd go through it all again. Therapy only lasted a little while because it was hard. It might be the hardest thing i've ever done. Things got very deep and I was thinking of things I haven't thought of in a long time. I do need to go back, to get it all out. Get some self-esteem back.
I love that I found a bunch of people on twitter who have the same problems as me, and we can all share and comfort. @blueoctober helps me through my toughest days and makes the good days better. I hope everyone has something that inspires them. There is hope. Don't let go.
xoxo,
Meg
I wish everyone could get the results that i've gotten with an anti-depressant. Going on the pill was a bitch, side effects and all of that, but it was worth it. I'd go through it all again. Therapy only lasted a little while because it was hard. It might be the hardest thing i've ever done. Things got very deep and I was thinking of things I haven't thought of in a long time. I do need to go back, to get it all out. Get some self-esteem back.
I love that I found a bunch of people on twitter who have the same problems as me, and we can all share and comfort. @blueoctober helps me through my toughest days and makes the good days better. I hope everyone has something that inspires them. There is hope. Don't let go.
xoxo,
Meg
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Growing up
I don't really know where to start, but it has to be somewhere. My life has been alot different than the "average" person. I was born in 1980 to two loving parents. Three years later my brother was born, premature, and something was wrong with him. Back then we didn't have all of the technology we have today, so they didn't know what was wrong right away. My brother was taken from my parents and rushed by ambulance to another hospital 40 minutes away. He was born with spinabifida. His spine decided to split off and continue to grow outside of his body. Because of that he pretty much has no feeling from the waste down, and is in a wheelchair. Growing up there were lots of hospital visits, and stays, and traveling, and body casts. From the moment I can remember, my brother was "normal" to me. So what he's in a wheelchair, he's still my brother right?
Growing up was difficult. My parents got divorced when I was about 8 (1989) and that's when the struggle began. We stayed with my Mom while my Dad moved out and moved in with another woman. It was the hardest thing i've ever been through, a little girl losing her Daddy. My Dad was always in my life and I saw him every weekend and he always paid his child support. We were lucky in that aspect. My Mom was thrown into a single Mom roll all of a sudden and it was hard. I'd say we were poor growing up, welfare and all.
My Mom always made sure we had what we needed, not always what we wanted. I was fed and clothed and had a roof over my head. While all of this was going on, she decided to go back to college. Not being able to afford a babysitter that much, when I was old enough, it was my job to watch my brother. Needless to say that really cut into my childhood and experiencing things many others did. No sleepovers, no parties, my brother was #1. As we grew up more, I felt like I was more of a mother to my brother. My Mom lost her Mom at 11 so she isn't a very affectionate person. It was hard not having the emotional loving from my Mom, but thank god for my Dad because he is the opposite. I missed out on alot of things.I started to rebel.
When I was 18, I ran away from home and drank alot and smoked pot. I felt like I needed to act out to get attention. My Mom was very hard on me but I think my Dad understood and did what he had to do to make me see what I was doing wrong. I got it, I was being an asshole.I moved in with my Dad for about a year but came back home.
I'm very close to my brother, closer than most brothers and sisters. I felt like I had a hand in raising him, and still do to this day. Sometimes I feel like his mother. About 4 years ago he started to get really bad headaches and was throwing up alot. We first thought it was maybe migraines and tried everything we could to help. One day he didn't look too well, so I decided maybe it's time for an ER trip. My Dad ended up bringing him because I wasn't feeling so well myself. He ended up having a bloodpressure of 225/180. If you know anything about blood pressure that is way too high. He was rushed into the hospital and given everything they could think of to bring the pressure down. They gave him Nitrious which brought it down too fast and caused a seisure. My Mom said it was the worst thing shes ever seen. They decided they didnt have at the hospital what they needed to deal with this. They put him in an ambulance and drove 25 minutes to UMASS. While all of this was going on, I was crying and freaking out because I don't know what I would do if we lost my brother, we came very close. They put him in the ICU because they weren't sure what was wrong. He was put on morphine and didn't sleep for 3 days.
At first they thought it was the shunt in his head, a tube to drain excess fluid. They were minutes away from doing brain surgery on him when a doctor stopped. It wasn't the shunt. His kidneys were failing and his bladder was pretty much closed. He has no feeling below the waist, so he had no idea. Had a bad bladder infection and needed to get the urine out.They ended up putting a tube in his bladder through his stomach. He was in the hospital for a little over a weektrying to figure out what was exactly wrong. He had some of the top specialists in the country and together they figured out that his bladder was full but was only pushing out the excess urine. Constant urine in the bladders and kidneys are not good. They ended up doing an operation that helped his bladder but one of his kidneys isnt working, and the other one isn't working very well. Right now he doesn't need dialysis cause he is so young, but one day he will and will also need a new kidney. If that day comes, and i'm able to, i'll give him one of mine. After that happened, I spend 2 years at home taking care of him. His home care, doctors, appointments, the day to day things he wanted. I put my life on hold for my brother, I wouldn't have had it any other way. Every little thing that goes wrong with my brother now freaks me out, because we almost lost him that first day in the hospital.
When I say theres one thing that freaks me out, it's when my brother isn't feeling well. It stresses me out my anxiety goes through the roof. I've been more of a mother than my mother has. Maybe thats why I don't feel the need to have children. I'll probably have to look after him for the rest of my life,but it's worth it, I love my brother to death. He's the strongest person I know and we could all learn alot from him.I'm sure i've left some things out, and will talk about them in another blog, but this is a quick look into a life that is different from so many out there.
xoxo,
Meg
Growing up was difficult. My parents got divorced when I was about 8 (1989) and that's when the struggle began. We stayed with my Mom while my Dad moved out and moved in with another woman. It was the hardest thing i've ever been through, a little girl losing her Daddy. My Dad was always in my life and I saw him every weekend and he always paid his child support. We were lucky in that aspect. My Mom was thrown into a single Mom roll all of a sudden and it was hard. I'd say we were poor growing up, welfare and all.
My Mom always made sure we had what we needed, not always what we wanted. I was fed and clothed and had a roof over my head. While all of this was going on, she decided to go back to college. Not being able to afford a babysitter that much, when I was old enough, it was my job to watch my brother. Needless to say that really cut into my childhood and experiencing things many others did. No sleepovers, no parties, my brother was #1. As we grew up more, I felt like I was more of a mother to my brother. My Mom lost her Mom at 11 so she isn't a very affectionate person. It was hard not having the emotional loving from my Mom, but thank god for my Dad because he is the opposite. I missed out on alot of things.I started to rebel.
When I was 18, I ran away from home and drank alot and smoked pot. I felt like I needed to act out to get attention. My Mom was very hard on me but I think my Dad understood and did what he had to do to make me see what I was doing wrong. I got it, I was being an asshole.I moved in with my Dad for about a year but came back home.
I'm very close to my brother, closer than most brothers and sisters. I felt like I had a hand in raising him, and still do to this day. Sometimes I feel like his mother. About 4 years ago he started to get really bad headaches and was throwing up alot. We first thought it was maybe migraines and tried everything we could to help. One day he didn't look too well, so I decided maybe it's time for an ER trip. My Dad ended up bringing him because I wasn't feeling so well myself. He ended up having a bloodpressure of 225/180. If you know anything about blood pressure that is way too high. He was rushed into the hospital and given everything they could think of to bring the pressure down. They gave him Nitrious which brought it down too fast and caused a seisure. My Mom said it was the worst thing shes ever seen. They decided they didnt have at the hospital what they needed to deal with this. They put him in an ambulance and drove 25 minutes to UMASS. While all of this was going on, I was crying and freaking out because I don't know what I would do if we lost my brother, we came very close. They put him in the ICU because they weren't sure what was wrong. He was put on morphine and didn't sleep for 3 days.
At first they thought it was the shunt in his head, a tube to drain excess fluid. They were minutes away from doing brain surgery on him when a doctor stopped. It wasn't the shunt. His kidneys were failing and his bladder was pretty much closed. He has no feeling below the waist, so he had no idea. Had a bad bladder infection and needed to get the urine out.They ended up putting a tube in his bladder through his stomach. He was in the hospital for a little over a weektrying to figure out what was exactly wrong. He had some of the top specialists in the country and together they figured out that his bladder was full but was only pushing out the excess urine. Constant urine in the bladders and kidneys are not good. They ended up doing an operation that helped his bladder but one of his kidneys isnt working, and the other one isn't working very well. Right now he doesn't need dialysis cause he is so young, but one day he will and will also need a new kidney. If that day comes, and i'm able to, i'll give him one of mine. After that happened, I spend 2 years at home taking care of him. His home care, doctors, appointments, the day to day things he wanted. I put my life on hold for my brother, I wouldn't have had it any other way. Every little thing that goes wrong with my brother now freaks me out, because we almost lost him that first day in the hospital.
When I say theres one thing that freaks me out, it's when my brother isn't feeling well. It stresses me out my anxiety goes through the roof. I've been more of a mother than my mother has. Maybe thats why I don't feel the need to have children. I'll probably have to look after him for the rest of my life,but it's worth it, I love my brother to death. He's the strongest person I know and we could all learn alot from him.I'm sure i've left some things out, and will talk about them in another blog, but this is a quick look into a life that is different from so many out there.
xoxo,
Meg
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